You know you’ve got a newborn when…

When talking with expectant mums, I’ve always majorly underplayed the extent to which their life is about to change.

Sure, there’s going to be lots of new joy, wonder, and excitement, but a newborn, by nature, can leave you a little… rattled, scratching your head, wondering how the heck you got yourself here (although I’m sure your memory isn’t quite that bad).

Newborn babies are delicious and turn your life entirely upside-down.  Once you’re mum to a newborn, you’ll be laughing at yourself as you start replicating parental behaviour you scorned and scoffed at just months earlier.

Your new life will set you apart too and despite billions having gone before you, you’ll feel like a trail-blazer, as if your situation is entirely unique.

This new topsy-turvy life is not easy but we all know you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You know you’ve got a newborn when:

A SHOWER IS AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY

You know it is.  You stand under the spout and envisage yourself lagoon-swimming at the tropical Kawasan Falls.  At around $1.50 for the experience, you come out of the mist smelling sweet and looking a treat!  It’s your best stay-cation yet.

ANY COFFEE IS GOOD COFFEE

Let’s face it, you’ve been up half the night feeding and the other, scrambling in the dark, looking for that blessed dummy.  You need that caffeine in order to be the mum you’d hoped you’d be – hot, cold, lukewarm (the coffee, I mean).. all good and entirely medicinal.

YOUR BAG IS HER BAG

You used to head out with little more than your lippy, keys, and cell phone, but this newborn needs a boat-load of business in your bag.  I call it your bag, but really we both know it’s hers now.

YOU USE BABY WIPES FOR EVERYTHING

You don’t leave home without them. Used, to wipe baby’s bum; scrub a toilet seat; wipe spew off your top; get crayon off the wall; dust the dresser; and clean the silver.  Ok, you may not have tried that last one, but you could be onto something. You swear you’ll carry these around long after your nappy-changing days are over.

TAKING A QUIET PEE IS A LUXURY

Not old enough to be sitting on your lap just yet, but young enough to scream the house down whilst you go about your business.

If you think you’d like to empty your bladder every now and again…. you’re the seasoned expert, know to make it quick and your weakened pelvic floor is more than happy to oblige!

YOU SNIFF ANOTHER HUMAN’S BUTT

You used to cringe when you saw this one but these days you don’t think twice.  Just boldly performing the quick sniff-test, nothing to see here, folks.

YOUR PJs ARE YOUR DAY CLOTHES

You know Peter Alexander has made these as entirely appropriate leisurewear!

YOU CAN EXIT A ROOM BY STEALTH

You spend the better part of an evening holding, patting and ‘shh-ing’ and the baby finally falls asleep.  Now, to keep her that way and get you out of there.  You’ve so got this – you’re a mum of a newbie and know it’s done by stealth-extraction, Jason Bourne-style.  You could give yourself a little high-five upon exit – your mission is accomplished.

COMMERCIALS MAKE YOU UGLY-CRY

If you wipe tears whilst watching a bank commercial, there’s no question that you’re the mother to a newborn;  although, you might want to take another pregnancy test.

Sleep deprivation and changes in hormone levels are just some of the reasons why you might be feeling like the village crazy lady.

Hang in there, mum.  There is a lot of adjustment required when you have a new baby.  Is this a great compromise of your once deeply-held standards? A thousand times ‘No!’.  This is YOU becoming a mum.  Your standards are no longer self-serving but reflect a generosity of spirit that ensures the survival of our species!

Sure, you might be sleep-deprived and a little loopy, but there’s no debating you’re a mum to a newborn and that newborn is the apple-of-your-eye.